I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
