I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
