i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She told me I should be a condom model.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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