I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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