I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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