Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
