I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
