she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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