Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
