We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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