I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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