It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
