i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There are leaves in my underwear?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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