I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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