i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
