FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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