first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
