his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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