I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
