those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
