dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
