Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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