i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
