I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
