"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
