When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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