I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
