worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
