i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
