I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
