You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
