You smell like stripper and shame
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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