I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
