mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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