There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
