Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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