so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
