Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
