Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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