When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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