ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
