I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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