I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
