I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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