The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
we're so committed to being not committed
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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