I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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