Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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