I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
