I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
