Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
